BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE keanu reeves george carlin STONER CLASSIC 1989 VHS

Bill: Remember, dudes! Don't try looking us up in the phone book. And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about our eBay auctions. Okay?

Ted: So how are we getting rescued out of here if no one's supposed to contact Mr. Kincaid? Like, the cops are obviously gonna call him. He owns this place.

Bill: Look, just because I haven't thought that far ahead doesn't mean my plan won't work. Did Chris & Tommy win the science fair or what?

Ted: Yeah, but they had a time machine. Plus assists from David Cassidy and Olivia d'Abo.

Bill: I wish she was here to help us now. Olivia d'Abo. Wow. I wish she'd make some more movies. Why isn't she still making movies? I hope she didn't fall on hard times and lose her teeth in the gutter.

Ted: You mean Margot Kidder.

Bill: Oops! That was fucked up, I know. Sorry, Margot.

Ted: If we had a time machine, we could get out of here by ourselves!

Bill: Just like in our favorite movie.

Bill & Ted: Bill And Ted's Exxxxxcellent Adventure!

Ted: That's an excellent flick!

Bill: Yeah, it's an adventure, too!

Ted: Some people think we got named for those guys.

Bill: Number one, we weren't.

Ted: Number two, we were already born by the time that flick was out.

Bill: But it's okay by us if people are confused.

Ted: Because Bill Preston, esq., and Ted (Theodore) Logan are two righteous dudes!

Bill: Just like Rufus said, even when confused, we must remember to always be excellent to each other.

Ted: Now, this film right here, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, is far superior to the sequel, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.

Bill: Naw, dude, I liked their Bogus Journey!

Ted: But it's not better than their Excellent Adventure.

Bill: Oh, yeah, right.

Ted: As I was saying, there's bodacious shit going on in this film left and right.

Bill: Check out the medieval babes they bag from the thirteenth century!

Ted: They get this time machine, right, and use it to scoop up famous dead dudes from the past so they can ace their history finals.

Bill: Myself, I would have used the time machine slightly different, no offense to our heroes. I would have gone back to a time when dinosaurs ruled the earth, and giant female weed plants grew freely, prehistoric buds sometimes three and four feet in diameter, glowing green with elemental stone-age type crystals!

Ted: Yeah, but if you brought one back, it might be like the butterfly that got stepped on in the Bradbury story, and it would have dire consequences for the entire space-time axis. You'd come back and find totally bizarre stuff had gone down, like George Bush was President again or something!

Bill: No, because I'd smoke it right there, and the power of that prehistoric leaf would be so strong, it would give me a permanent buzz!

Ted: We got that part down already man, smoking nine times a day. You don't need no caveman weed to do that.

Bill: Maybe if we visualize really hard, this microwave here will turn into a time machine, just like Rufus' phone booth.

Ted: I don't think so, man. Look, gimme some of that. Don't be a bogart!

Bill: Listen up! Keanu Reeves rocketed to fame on the strength of this 80's classic! It spawned a sequel! It inspired millions of stoners to put their bowls down, and go to the video store! It's got George Carlin in his most memorable role ever! It's got a sexy step-mom who wears revealing clothes and makes you wish you were sleeping over at Ted's house! And if I'm not mistaken, this title was on moratorium for a long time, making an original copy like this super rare!

Ted: So what are you waiting for, dudes? Bid on it!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989), SP mode, the original video release for this title on the Nelson Entertainment label. Tape comes with original box, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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Sold 9/10/00 @ $10.50

A VERY BRADY SEQUEL conspiracy secrets revealed 1996 VHS

Bill: Yo! Dudes! Don't try looking us up in the phone book. And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about our eBay auctions. Is that cool?

Ted: Look, man, you need to get a little deeper into this Brady Bunch conspiracy theory thing.

Bill: I will, dude! Have you told the people what they're bidding on yet?

Ted: A Very Brady Sequel. The sequel to the last movie we listed.

Bill: That's pretty organized. Jonah needs to give us a raise.

Ted: He needs to come let us the fuck out of the break room is what he needs to do!

Bill: Look, man, just chill out. We don't even know what time it is. How long ago did he leave?

Ted: Hours ago! Days!

Bill: See what I mean? My watch has been broken since last month, and you don't even own one.

Ted: Time is a relative thing, dude. It'll lock you down if you let it.

Bill: Right. So anyway, the thing you have to know about Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of The Brady Bunch, is that he's a very crafty dude with an eye on world domination.

Ted: I thought he was dead.

Bill: That's Charles Shultz, Mr. I'm Informed. The guy who drew Snoopy.

Ted: Snoopy was cool. Who'd you like better, him or Woodstock?

Bill: PigPen was my favorite Peanut. All those clouds hovering around him everytime he showed up? Obviously a stoner.

Ted: So why does Schwartz want to rule the world?

Bill: He's never forgiven the networks for cancelling his baby, Gilligan's Island. He figures if all the public wants is Brady Bunch and more Brady Bunch, he'll give it to them, with secret brainwashing rays encoded in the broadcast signals and video programming!

Ted: Why is he brainwashing who?

Bill: The general public, moron, and Brady fans especially! He's trying to turn the Brady Bunch into the gang from Gilligan's Island! Like in this sequel here, where are they?

Ted: Um, it says here they all go to Hawaii for a surprise wedding anniversary vacation.

Bill: See? They're on an island! Making sense now?

Ted: You lost me, dude.

Bill: Look, man, he's cloning people left and right! He's already cloned the Bradys. He's gotten their clones to work for him, without pay, as the new generation of Brady Bunch kids. Remember that campy Brady revival theatre show that travelled around college towns ten years ago? Don't see that around anymore, do you! It was all because of Sherwood!

Ted: So what's his master plan?

Bill: A world filled with five billion Gilligans. All the continents pushed together to form one giant island. No more males and females, natural reproduction outlawed, replaced by cloning.

Ted: No Mrs. Howells?

Bill: Or Gingers, or even Mary Annes. I'm telling you, this dude is super dangerous!

Ted: Wow. And I bet he's got the money to do it! Those re-runs have made him stupid rich!

Bill: Right! And they only way to stop him is by getting the truth out there where the people can see it!

Ted: Okay! So right here, we got the second modern day Brady Bunch movie, A Very Brady Sequel! Shelley Long back for more shenanigans leading the Brady clan on a return voyage to Hawaii and the sinister cave of Tiki Taboo! Will Greg get hit on the head while riding the wild waves? Will he get to play smell my finger with his forbidden love Marcia? Will Mike forget about being gay long enough to win Carol's heart back from her first husband Tim Matheson? Will Sherwood Schwartz use this movie to brainwash you into becoming a willing participant in the march of the Five Billion Gilligans?

Bill: Only one way to find out. Bid on it!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of A Very Brady Sequel (1996), SP mode, released on Paramount label. Tape comes with original box, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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ANGEL schoolgirl by day, hooker by night EXPLOITATION 1984 VHS

Mark: Now remember, people, don't try looking us up in the phone book. And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about buying our movies on eBay. You got it?

Jonah: Here, I got one. Angel. Not Buffy, this flick’s from 1984.

Mark: High school student by day, hooker by night? This flick is B-grade trash. The killer stalks these Sunset Boulevard streetwalkers and has sex with their dead bodies, but this is not a horror flick. I have serious issues with this movie.

Jonah: This film did crazy box office, though, and why? Because it had a great shot of Donna Wilkes, who played Molly, aka Angel, the teen hooker, on the poster, as both an innocent high school student split screen with her chillin’ in a skin-tight leather skirt.

Mark: This movie made its money on video, you dope. This was one of the sexiest video boxes out there back in ’85.

Jonah: Competing with more than two hundred other Porky’s-ripoffs? Doubtful. Look, right here.

(Jonah swipes a movie off the shelf)

Jonah: Example A. Remember Hardbodies?

Mark: Worthless.

Jonah: No slashers, mutilations, and/or other crimes against nature does not equal a film gone wrong. Hardbodies dropped a lot of philosophy on impressionable young heads.

Mark: How to pick up women using silly tricks once you’re an over the hill middle-aged loser, course 101.

Jonah: The lessons I took away were beauty’s not always skin deep, and there’s more important things in life than scamming on pretty girls. All the middle age dudes end up rejecting the BBD philosophy and reconcile with their ex-wives.

Mark: You are just lying like hell because you think your Rollergirl might be on eBay reading this bullshit!

Jonah: For real, man. Just like Angel also had a deep message.

Mark: Such as?

Jonah: Even on the mean streets of Los Angeles, the human spirit perseveres. See, Angel has all these friends, crusty LA street characters, weird types with names like Kit Carson and Yo-Yo Charlie, and in the end they’re the ones who save her from the killer, not the cops.

Mark: Are you sure?

Jonah: I think so. Look, they made two sequels, so somebody was paying attention.

Mark: You don’t even know. People! If you want a trashy slice of early eighties exploitation that doesn’t even qualify as a drive-in movie, this one’s for you. Trying to pass itself off as kiddie porn but never quite succeeding, cute good girl gone bad, necrophiliac serial killer, overall, a fun movie. So bid on it!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of Angel (1984), EP mode, released on R&G Video/Starmaker label. Tape comes with original box, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. Original box comes enclosed in protective plastic shrinkwrap. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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Sold 8/20/00 @ $5.99

SWITCHBLADE SISTERS i lost my eye for this gang! jack hill CLASSIC EXPLOITATION 1975 VHS

Emma: Now remember, people, don't try looking us up in the phone book. And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about buying our movies on eBay. Okay? Here we go! Today's featured item. Another video from the Videodrome's collection of unusual films that most people are too timid to watch. Straight off the shelves. Jonah, would you hand me that movie right there? Which one is that?

Jonah: Switchblade Sisters.

Emma: Do you want this one or is it mine?

Jonah: You know we both dig this movie, Emma. As much shit as I talk about Tarentino, I give him props for re-releasing this one on his Rolling Thunder label. However, what we got for ya right here is the original video release on After Hours Entertainment, not the Rolling Thunder re-release.

Emma: So here's why this flick is the bomb! From the moment this 1975 Jack Hill exploitation classic bursts onto the screen, with a slammin' opening track by Medusa that sounds like something the Carrie Nations would be pushing if their career had lasted Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, you know you got the real deal.

Jonah: That sleazy fat dude who's trying to repossess the TV from Lace's mother, the chick who runs the girls' gang before Maggie takes over and they become the Jezebels. Then he steps onto the elevator, and all you see is Dagger Debs graffiti everywhere.

Emma: Stupid sucker thinks he's getting laid, but more and more gang members get on at every stop! Hey, you little beaver punk, open the door! And they bum rush his lowlife ass!

Jonah: Jack Hill, that guy was way ahead of his time. Like his crazy movie Spider Baby, with Lon Chaney in one of his last roles. Dare you to watch that one and not get far freaked out.

Emma: Dare you to watch the reformatory prison riot scene in Switchblade Sisters and not be amazed, we're talking cross-genre exploitation action at its finest, when Lace squares off with Mom Smackley, the hardcore lesbian warden, and nearly beats her to death with a toilet plunger!

Jonah: And y'know, as over the top as this flick is, there's a lot of reality here. Maybe because this shit was ultra low-budget, it feels real, like you're getting a glimpse into the youth gang subculture of small-city America circa 1973. You got knocked up, right? Big deal! Dom throws cash at Lace. Here, you know what to do.

Emma: The decaying urban infrastructure breeding kids who feel like the system's abandoned them. The promise of the sixties' counterculture subverted for evil ends, as personified by Crabs and the rival gang he leads, whose hippie "community center" is a total front for their prostitution and dope peddling activities.

Jonah: Somebody once told me that Gabe Kaplan ripped his whole concept for the Sweathogs off this movie.

Emma: Really? Yeah, the high school rituals on display get a lot deeper than you'd think. Dom, the leader of the Daggers, a low rent John Travolta, raping Maggie and the both of them bonding because they're tough, lost souls in a violent, uncaring world. The perpetual scapegoating of that chunky chick Donna, like when Lace gets on her back for wanting a cheeseburger, or her Dagger boyfriend who slaps her around when she doesn't win the cigarette holding contest and costs him some bread.

Jonah: Man, we haven't even mentioned half of the cool shit that goes down in this flick. You get naked chicks battling lesbian prison guards for control of the reformatory! The transformation of sweet Maggie into fiery leader of the Jezebels, the baddest girl gang to ever rumble across a movie screen! The bloody machine gun battle at the roller rink! Patch screaming, "I lost my eye for this gang!" The final confrontation with Crabs' mob for control of the streets, with freaking armored cars and vans, whole city blocks consumed by the struggle!

Emma: You can't hold the Jezebels, kids, you can beat us, chain us, lock us up, but we're gonna be back! And when we do, you better keep your ass off our turf, or we're gonna bite it off! So bid on it!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of Switchblade Sisters (1975), SP mode, video released on After Hours Entertainment label, not the Rolling Thunder re-release. Tape comes with original box, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. Original box shows creases and other signs of wear, comes with protective plastic sleeve. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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Sold 8/16/00 @ $9.99

DOLLY DEAREST killer dolls chucky rip-off HORROR VHS

Stanley: Does everybody know the deal by now? Don't try don't try looking us up in the phone book. And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about buying our movies on eBay. Copacetic?

Now, number one, I want everyone to know I consider it a personal affront that Jonah went out on a date with Rollergirl and left me in charge of selling these horror flicks. I haven't even seen most of these flicks! Number two, at this point I'm the only one here! Bill and Ted went over to Chandler's head shop to get high, Sam and her dumb raver friend Kyle left to go a rave, shit, there ain't nobody around. Nuthin' goin' on but the rent. What do I do when a customer comes in? Walk away from the computer, come back in twenty minutes and find someone's hacked into our store eBay account and stolen our identity so they could place bids on half the rare Beanie Baby collections up for auction today. Great. Okay, look, this video right here is a totally disposable film. Dolly Dearest, circa 1992. Maybe Mark Cage could tell you something about it, 'cuz it's a horror flick about a killer doll, slasher doll movie, right, like, a naked attempt to cash in on the whole Chucky craze. Which in my eyes wasn't even a phenomenon. I mean, why all the sequels? And Bride Of Chucky? Who went to see these movies?

(Stanley takes a breath.)

Stanley: They probably made dough, tho, since Chucky never got paid! HE'S A DOLL! That's some fucked up shit. If Chucky was black, he wouldn't have gone out like that. Tell you what, I'm gonna look on IMDB about this movie. Then I'll front like I know what I'm talking about. Psych! Fooled 'ya. I've seen Dolly Dearest, yeah, I have, I know every scene. Right on. This movie's actually got a political bent, as I remember it. This American family moves to Mexico because the Dad's gonna be the head boss man in charge of a new factory employing poor Mexicans making guess what...dolls. But check it, like in Poltergeist, those stupid gringo fucks built their NAFTA palace on an ancient Incan burial ground! The family's got a little girl named Jessica. Soon enough, Jessica's favorite doll turns into the doll from the toybox of evil. So it's got some centuries-old voodoo curse on it, and it wants to possess Jessica and suck her young little life up like a hoover. Rip Torn is in this flick. Hey, we all gotta eat. Look, if you're a fan of the killer doll horror category subgenre, this is right up your alley.

(Stanley takes another breath.)

Stanley: But definitely also check out Magic, with Anthony Hopkins, Anne Margaret, and Burgess Meredith, and Wicked Stepmother, with Bette Davis, directed by my man Larry Cohen. Technically, I guess that's not a killer doll flick, it's actually in the humans-reduced-to-dollsize-creatures horror/sci fi subgenre immortalized by flicks like The Incredible Shrinking Man. Or The Devil Doll, directed by Tod Browning, or the flick with the same name, from 1964, featuring Hugo, the evil ventriloquist's dummy, which is actually another bonafide evil doll movie. But the best one of all is Trilogy of Terror, from 1969, which was a trilogy. Actually, only the last episode was about a doll gone bad, I think it was called "Devil Doll," how original, with Karen Black getting the shit knocked out of her by an enraged African doll possessed by a badazz Zuni Warrior Spirit! They had one of the dolls used in this movie on public display for a long time at Universal Studios in Hollywood, and that sucker was scary-lookin'. But this movie right here, Dolly Dearest, this one might be doo-doo, it might not be, I don't really know, 'cuz like I said from the get-go, I haven't seen it. Oops. Forget I said that. Oh shit, here comes a customer now. So c'mon, bid on this!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of Dolly Dearest (1992), EP mode, video released on Vidmark label, pictured below. Tape comes with original box, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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Sold 7/26/00 @ $3.99

REBEL ROUSERS jack nicholson diane ladd bruce dern CLASSIC BIKER FLICK 1970 VHS

Emma: Now remember, people, don't try looking us up in the phone book. And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about buying our movies on eBay. Okay? Here we go! Today's featured item. Another video from the Videodrome's extensive cinema collection. Straight off the shelves. Jonah, would you hand me that movie right there? Which one is that?

Jonah: Rebel Rousers. Looks like The Wild One in color.

Emma: Excellent! A low budget, trashy 60's biker flick with big name stars in their underground, anti-establishment, slummin' it phase. With a happy ending that holds out hope for the whole mixed up generation of 13-lovin', one percenters running wild in the streets on their hogs who actually filled theatres to see this joint.

Jonah: Dig it, girl, but what's a one-percenter? And why do they love 13?

Emma: 13 is like, the thirteenth letter of the alphabet. Y'know, M? As in, marijuana? Were you absent from 70's class the day they taught this lesson?

Jonah: Right, right! Wow, that's a heavy trip.

Emma: Far out, huh? And a one percenters are the 1 out of 100 people who don't give a fuck, who refuse to play by the system's rules, who are just as likely to hop on their bikes and up and down the California coast for three days at a stretch, tanked up on speed, angel dust, who knows what.

Jonah: This flick's got some heavy hitters featured: Jack Nicholson, Bruce Dern, Harry Dean Stanton, and Diane Ladd.

Emma: Yeah, all that's missing is Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper and Dean Stockwell. But all three of those dudes chilled with Bruce Dern in The Trip, working from a script by Nicholson and direction by Roger Corman! Have you seen that?

Jonah: 1970 to 1980, Emma. If it ain't got that ring, it don't mean a thing.

Emma: The sixties didn't officially end until about 1974, Jonah. When Nixon resigned and Chevy Chase took over, that's when the seventies began. That's when they brought on the friendly fascism, y'know, disco music to rob funk of its radical lyrical content, coke and heroin replacing grass and LSD, right wing-funded cults to direct kids away from activism, the whole nine.

Jonah: I'm not getting into politics with you, girl.

Emma: Whatever. Anyway, in this flick you get the kind of pseudo-reality flashback documenting that only low budget films can deliver. Suburban American society torn apart by conflict between the squares and the enticing new world of the outlaws. Sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. Cameron Mitchell as Diane Ladd's boyfriend, alone against the savages. The moral choices faced by Bruce Dern, who has to weigh loyalty to his gang and his inner psycho against doing the right thing, twenty years before Spike Lee. An up-close glimpse of a biker-chic subculture that lived loud, fast, and out of control. So don't be a counter-revolutionary, bid on it!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of Rebel Rousers (1970), EP mode, video released on Rhino Home Video label (1995), pictured below. Tape comes with original box, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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Sold 7/26/00 @ $10.50

DAZED AND CONFUSED drugs stoners richard linklater ben affleck parker posey 1993 VHS

Bill: Now remember, people, don't try looking us up in the phone book.

Ted: And if Mr. Kincaid answers the phone, don't say anything about buying our movies on eBay. Okay man? So check it! This movie Dazed and Confused is like, essential. Follows a group of way cool dudes and chicks around on the last day of high school, circa 1976, suburban Texas.

Jonah: Wasn't Matthew McConaughey in that?

Stanley: Bet, the dude who liked high school chicks. "The older I get, they stay the same age!"

Emma: I give Linklater props. He snuck lots of revolutionary messages into that movie.

Jonah: Like what?

Emma: Feminist theory via analysis of Gilligan's Island, the cool history teacher warning her students what the Bicentennial's really about, exposing how conformity is enforced through mindless initiation rituals.

Bill: Uh, what was the Bicentennial really about?

Emma, Stanley & Jonah (simultaneously): Celebrating rich white slaveowners who didn't want to pay their taxes!

Bill: I just thought this flick was about smoking a lot of weed.

Ted: You can look at it like through that, y'know, revolutionary lens if you want, man, but the stoner nation knows the truth.

Bill: That's why we will ALWAYS be...READY TO ROCK!

Jonah: You know, you guys are super obsessed.

Bill: We're not the first.

Ted: Yeah, check out those dudes from the Stoned Age who joined the Blue Oyster Cult.

Jonah: The Stoned Age? That movie got made for what, forty cents they fished out of a milk glass?

Bill: But it was real, man.

Ted: Yeah, that movie was a lot deeper than you think.

Jonah: You've both finally flipped. The last Phish show you went to, did you get hit with a laser?

Ted: Forget that third eye shit, man. Alright? That was just Hollywood hokem, and you've gotta look past it. Now check it. What's it say, right here on the box?

Jonah (reading off the box): It says, "Better than Dazed and Confused."

Ted: Bingo. And that's what we're talking about. Not better as in, a more fun, candy-coated view of what it was like to be stoned and live in the 70's. Uh uh.

Stanley: Dazed and Confused has that down cold.

Bill: When you watch The Stoned Age, see, you're getting an up-close, low-rent glimpse into the basement beer blast scene of suburban stoners in the seventies. You're hip to the good, the bad, and the ugly, all up close and personal.

Ted: It's like, classic angst, man. Suburbia breeds anger and disillusionment in like, the whole American Dream. And the stoners are always the first ones to figure it out. Weed opens your eyes to that shit.

Bill: And there's always a killer soundtrack involved, 'cuz music helps keep you sane when you're locked in that kind of dull, conformist environment. BOC in the Stoned Age. Kiss in Detroit Rock City. Over The Edge, and Matt Dillon blasting Cheap Trick.

Jonah: I thought it was Keanu Reeves in that movie, and Crispin Glover was the stoner metalhead.

Bill: Dude, that was River's Edge. Eighties. C'mon, Jonah, you've Mr. Seventies, you've never seen Over The Edge?

Jonah: You'll have to school me.

Ted: Dude! It's only the most fucking right on flick about alienated youth ever made!

Bill: It's like, the Kids of the 70's. Larry Clark wishes he made Over The Edge. But hey, that doesn't make Dazed And Confused any less important!

Ted: Or essential! Parker Posey squirting mustard on high schol jail bait! Slater the king stoner expounding on George and Martha Washington farming weed and getting high! Drugs on the 40-yard line! Ben Affleck in yet another key role along his rise to megastardom! The brilliant followup to Richard Linklater's groundbreaking debut film Slacker, and Linklater's best film to date! What are you waiting for?

Bill: You can bid now, dudes!

You are bidding on a previous rental, used VHS videotape of Dazed And Confused (1993), pictured below. Tape comes with original box, cut-out to fit in white plastic storage case, is in good condition and guaranteed to play. High bidder pays $3.50 S&H. Credit cards accepted using PayPal.

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Sold 7/19/00 @ 5.99